My heart is heavy with technical debt

I'm not feeling well. I have stomach pains and sometimes my head spins so I loose my balance. When I come home at night I get hit by an extreme tiredness and my nose bleeds on a regular basis. I'm under a lot of stress. Not really about the tasks I need to complete before some deadline like most people. Instead my bad conscience eats me away. The bad conscience over all the bad decisions I've made during the day, during the week and from the beginning of my employment. All those bad decisions that leads to increasing my technical debt. For any given problem you have two solutions. One is cheap and fast. The other is the correct one. Every time you choose the cheap and fast way you're building technical debt. This technical debt will become a mountain of complexity that eventually will become too expensive to do anything about. And by that time you can just give up and go home. I make decisions during the day that increases my technical debt. Why would I make such decisions? It would seem really stupid.

• Sometimes I just can't say no to a customer. The words "I can't implement this functionality" very seldom touches my lips. There is a will to please and to make good. Sometimes you just should say no.

• It happens that I run out of time in a task and have to choose between doing something quick and dirty, or not doing it at all. Could you choose between those two? The worst part is meeting expectations with no time left for implementation.

• Existing technical debt brings me down. If I'm going to do this the right way, I'll have to start with refactoring the existing solution. The result is to start the real task a week delayed, which is never an alternative.

• Even a perfectionist sociopath like me gets affected by broken windows.

I make these decisions and then I go home for the weekend while my conscience keeps eating me from the inside. I think of it when I go to sleep and I wake up with it in my head. On Monday I'll have to go back and deal with it. It is my job to carry this debt and to make the best of it. There is no other way to get this right.